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College basketball could threaten the existence of humans Saturday, Mar 15, 2008 By Micki Bare The world, or at least the US, has gone mad. Not surprising to sports fans who understand the madness brought about by March basketball tournaments. This year, however, one urology institute in particular has taken the madness to a new level. The Oregon Urology Institute is running radio ads soliciting candidates for vasectomies. They are specifically targeting sports fans who want the operation on the day before NCAA Tournament play begins. Appealing to guys who want a few days off to do nothing but sit in a recliner and watch sports, they are hoping for a full schedule of operations. An Oregon radio station is throwing in sports magazines and free pizza delivery for those who elect to recuperate during the tournament. When I read about this marketing scheme, I nearly choked on my whole grain cereal. It would not surprise me in the least if more than a few sports enthusiasts jumped at the chance to make an appointment - if only for a legitimate doctor's excuse to stay home, watch basketball and eat free pizza. Should this little plan catch on, we could be looking at the beginning of a population decline. It would be the opposite of a baby boom. This could very well start a full blown baby fizzle. If this new marketing strategy does work, other urology offices might do the same next year. Before long, we could be looking at a March vasectomy epidemic. Basketball, with the help of urologists with creative PR teams, could ultimately be to blame for the dwindling of the human race. "Life after people," as presented by The History Channel, could actually be a possibility should this new approach to marketing the vasectomy be successful. When alien scientist from another planet study the earth a gazillion years from now, they will hypothesize as to what happened to humans. They might guess global warming or acid rain finally did us in. But they will be wrong. It will be the extra nerdy, slightly sports-crazed alien in the back of the room holding a clip board reviewing fossilized college basketball stats. He will go out on a limb and suggest that the extinction of humans was brought about by an intense need to lay around eating triple meat pizza and watching college teams battle it out between the hoops during a couple of key weekends in March. No one will believe the extra nerdy alien's idea at first. But when coupled with a study of the effects of testosterone, the theory will gain popularity. Before the end of humankind and after all the men are sterilized, there will be a need for a new excuse to stay home and watch the tournament. That's when the vasectomy marketing strategy, or VMS as it will come to be known in the industry, will be applied to other medical fields. Dentists will plan for wisdom tooth extraction's during mid-March. Get those extra teeth pulled and then hang out at home for a day or two of recovery in front of your favorite teams. If you get all four pulled, we'll throw in a free basketball with your team's logo. Dermatologists will schedule mole removals for the day before the tournament. Do you think you might have a suspicious mole, bump or discoloration? Why take a chance? Remove it in March and then recover during the tournament. We'll throw in a free visor with your team's logo. Laser eye surgeons will clear their March schedules to make room for corrective lens operations for sports fans. Marketed with the surgery will be a free radio so the patients won't miss one play-by-play during their optical recovery. And the radio will, of course, be decorated with the team logo of the patient's choice. And why stop at free magazines, pizza, basketballs, visors and radios? Someone going through the physical and emotional turmoil of an elective surgery right before tip-off should be pampered. Patients should receive recovery kits that include CD's, T-shirts and microwave popcorn. They should be entered into drawings for free recliners with built in refrigerators and HD flat screen televisions. They should receive discounts on cable and satellite television. And the wives and girlfriends, mothers and aunts of all the temporarily disabled men should get an all-expense paid luxury Caribbean ocean liner spa vacation. We ladies might as well live it up, too, before humans become extinct! ------- Micki Bare is a columnist for the Arkansas News Bureau and the Courier-Tribune in Asheboro, N.C., and author of the book, "Relative Expressions." She lives in Asheboro with her husband and three children. Her e-mail address is mickibare@inspiredscribe.com. |
