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Bubba and Hillary Saturday, Apr 26, 2008 By John Brummett Readers wondered if Bubba McCoy, the quintessential East Arkansas good ol' boy, had a take on the three remaining presidential prospects. A call to the used car lot found the rascal in a talkative mood, buoyed by recent good reports on his blood pressure and cholesterol, both medicinally manipulated. Mrs. Bubba keeps him on fruits and vegetables. She stays on him to get on the treadmill, which is strategically placed in front of the TV with the remote ever-handy. Let's relate the old boy's observations in ascending order of his preference. Barack Obama - "Don't try to tell me I'm racist. Look, I know America's not perfect. But we've got enough firepower to either conquer or destroy the world, and we don't do either one. We're not so bad. His wife should have had plenty of reason before now to be proud her country. So should that crazy-*** preacher of his. "Osama [he meant Obama] may be the greatest thing since sliced bread, but I just can't figure out what to make of him. "We've got some big problems, mainly this economy. We may be going right down the tubes, if you want to know the truth. "I'm in the process of having my lowest-volume year since 1996, which was my second year in business. I've got late-model SUVs out here people won't even look at because of the price of gas. Farmers aren't going to buy them; they're making so much right now from prices and subsidies that they go to Memphis or Little Rock for a new Lexus every harvest. "I haven't seen anything from Osama [he meant Obama] that leads me to believe he's the one to deal with any of that." John McCain - "I admire him. He's a great hero. I'd have been for him big 10 years ago. But I just can't right now. And go ahead and call me prejudiced against old people. "The man is 71 years old. He'd be president at 75. I'm 61, and already I'll start across the house to do something and get stopped dead-cold without the foggiest notion of what I was fixin' to do. I'll start telling a story and then I'll have no earthly idea where I was going with it. I'll start to call a guy's name, and I can't come up with it to save my life. "I hate to say it, but it's true: Just like your muscles and joints don't work as well as they used to, the same goes for your noggin'. Reagan was too old that second term. Ollie North was running illegal stuff right under his nose, and he had no idea. "Any other time, I'd be all over John McCain. But I just think he missed his calling by a few years." Hillary Clinton - "Listen, I don't have to like her. I don't. And I don't have to live with her. I wouldn't on a bet. "But she's the smartest one of the bunch, and the toughest. I mean politically. I doubt she'd have held up as a prisoner of war like McCain. But she doesn't take any **** off the Republicans or anybody else. "You ask her a question and she seems to know what she's talking about. She said that if Iran keeps messing around with terrorists and with Israel, we'll just obliterate 'em. Sounds good to me. We need somebody to start kicking some tails, at home and overseas. "Yeah, I know she lied about having to duck and run for cover in Bosnia. But, look: Most of the stories I tell at the coffee shop every morning start out true. Somewhere along the way I decide to embellish a little bit. It doesn't make me a liar. George Washington didn't actually cut down that cherry tree, then 'fess up. But it makes a good story. "A good story is about all I've got left, as I sit here looking at a lot filled with late-model Suburbans and nary a soul out there. "I'll make you a good deal on one. "Heck, if you can afford the gas to get it back to Little Rock, it's yours." ------- John Brummett is a columnist for the Arkansas News Bureau in Little Rock. His e-mail address is jbrummett@arkansasnews.com; his telephone number is (501) 374-0699. |
