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Patiently waiting for the ultimate summer mega-blockbuster Saturday, Jun 21, 2008 By Micki Bare 'Tis the season for overpriced popcorn dripping with butter-flavored oils, sticky floors and mega-blockbuster films. Sequels, action-adventures, romantic comedies and kiddy-flicks lurk throughout the hallowed halls of the mega-plex where you can choose from numerous titles, ratings and show times. Many of the latest offerings look and sound enticing based on the trailers Hubby insists we view on the movie trailers on-demand channel ? a household favorite when there's nothing else to watch on the 397 channels included in our subscription package. But unless something really big is released soon, I can't imagine our family will be forking over $8 a ticket, plus $15 per person for drinks and snacks ? not to mention the gas to get to and from the theater at more than $4 a gallon. And when I say really big, I mean the movie would have to have it all. It would have to be the biggest mega-blockbuster movie to ever hit the silver screen. For starters, it would have to be at least four hours long. Anything less than a two-disc deal upon DVD release would not be worth our efforts. First of all, the more time we can get for the money, the better we would feel about paying for the ticket. If we're going to use the trip as a means for keeping summer-vacationing kids busy, then the longer the activity, the better. And finally, if we're going to pay THAT much for popcorn, it must officially count as one of the three meals for the day instead of an extremely expensive snack. Not only must the flick have a ridiculously long running time, but it must also be over-the-top entertainment. The story line must weave nail-biting action and mind-twisting mystery with heart-wrenching drama and fast-moving adventure while maintaining emotional balance with well-delivered humor. Each scene must be dripping with cutting-edge graphics and special effects while projecting a realistic image. The mega-blockbuster that would entice me to open my wallet this year begins in a galaxy far, far away, but not so far that astronauts from Earth couldn't travel there via a strategically placed worm hole. The saga opens with a violent but relatively quickly resolved intergalactic incident, which also triggers the beginning of an unlikely relationship between a beautiful elf woman and a brave warrior. As word of the intergalactic conflict resolution makes its way across the universe, the couple must part ways to visit their respective planets. It is during their time apart that the brave warrior learns of large robotic creatures bursting forth from the core of his own planet, zapping everything in their path, including the royal family. The warrior flees in an effort to coordinate help from a group of small, furry beings on a planet in a neighboring galaxy. The small creatures are quite resourceful, and help the warrior overcome the robotic creatures by infecting their motherboards with a virus that renders the creatures immobile, unable to communicate and completely defenseless. Seizing the opportunity at hand, the warrior cryogenically freezes one of the creatures for his own planet's research needs and then makes sure the rest are destroyed by dropping them into a pit of molten lava. On the banks of the pit, the warrior notices a battle between two men with laser light swords. Meanwhile, the beautiful elf woman waits for her brave warrior on the blue marble planet ? the one we know as Earth ? at their previously agreed upon rendezvous point. For a while, she wonders what has delayed him. But soon she is distracted by two distinctive groups of historians that appear to be searching for a lost treasure. She is drawn into the hunt, which takes her from one American tourist attraction to another. Just before the two groups simultaneously find the treasure, a talking, flying donkey gets into an altercation with a primitive squirrel over an acorn. The two animals inadvertently set off a series of events that triggers catastrophic disaster. Earthquakes, volcanic eruptions and swarms of blood thirsty bunny rabbits threaten the very existence of all Earthlings. Will our brave warrior make it to Earth and save the planet with help from his small furry friends? Will our beautiful elf heroine survive the disasters and find the lost treasure? Will a ship with black sails find its way into our plot? Will we ever find out what became of the two men battling with laser light swords? When THAT movie makes it to the big screen, I will gather up Hubby and the boys, we will drive to the local theater, and we will enjoy an afternoon of popcorn, soda and the silver screen. Until then, we have tons of DVDs that have been gathering dust, a big screen television connected to surround sound, a microwave popcorn popper and tons of real butter. Surely we can find a movie or two that will entertain the family for a couple of hours in our living room this summer. ------- Micki Bare is a columnist for the Arkansas News Bureau and the Courier-Tribune in Asheboro, N.C., and author of the book, "Relative Expressions." She lives in Asheboro with her husband and three children. Her e-mail address is mickibare@inspiredscribe.com. |
